When I was a child, I was afraid of everything…and to be honest, not much has changed 😂. Just kidding! I hope you get what I mean though. When we were kids our fears were pretty much figments of our imagination – vampires and whatever other critters and creatures we saw in scary movies; but now our fears are a little bit more real than vampires and zombies. I never thought a time would come where I would wish for those days my aunt would fall asleep on me and leave me to watch those scary movies alone – even with the resulting nightmares. Because at least then I know that these things are fictional, and that I wouldn’t have to actually live through them, no matter how real they felt at the time.
Fear – the elephant in the room
As children it felt like adults feared nothing. If there was a spider I’d call on my parents to kill it with no hesitation. I expected the grownups around me to be stable at all times. That’s what adulthood is right? Never afraid of anything and always having answers.
When I was about to start high school, we moved to a community that was a bit more rural and a few uninvited creatures would sneak into the house from time to time – namely lizards (and not just any lizards, but croaking lizards). I remember one family gathering – a few years ago – when one of my uncles finally revealed to his now adult son that we has always been deathly afraid of these lizards, but he was embarrassed to let him know when he called on him to kill them. We expect that adults don’t fear anything and will have the answers. It never occurred to my cousin as he was growing up that maybe his father was also afraid of what scared him.
Now that we are solidly in our adult years and we are the grownups. The shoe is on the other foot and we realize that this thought is very far-fetched. It is kinda crazy to think that all our childhood fears will go away as soon as we get beyond 18. Fear has kept us safe all these years. It is an emotion that has protected us, one that has played a huge part in our survival and evolution. So it didn’t go away, it just grew up with us.
Show of hands how many of us are still afraid of stuff we feared in our childhood? 🙋🏾♀️ I am still afraid of lizards, cockroaches, and pretty much any kind of outside insects that get inside, plus a whole host of other things. But there are some grownup fears there too, things like will I achieve my full potential (and other topics we’ll cover a bit further down). It is a myth that we have to keep it altogether, or even to keep up the charade that we are; and it is a myth that fear is all bad
Many of us see fear as a negative thing, something that holds us back. Sometimes this is true, sometimes fear does hold us back. I still regret not taking up the opportunity to ride that horse in kindergarten because I was too scared. But, sometimes that feeling of fear can also be a signal that we are being presented with a challenge that we know might be scary but will also be rewarding. I really learned to ride a bicycle at almost 30 years old (that’s a whole other blog post) and I was very afraid of falling. I mean this skinny little thing on wheels, I had no faith that it would keep me up and I didn’t want to fall and have bruises at almost 30 years old. But, after I fell not once but twice I came to the realization that falling actually wasn’t that bad. It did hurt (I think the second time my ego hurt a bit more than my bruises) and it was unfortunate but I didn’t lose any progress, instead I gained lessons. Both times it was about being more confident in my abilities and not allowing gravel or the fear of people being so close to me get me off track.
Fear keeps us on track. You have the opportunity to use fear as fuel to find the power to overcome and to keep working towards that dream, that goal, that purpose. It might take some time for you to trust the process though, and that’s alright. That just means you get to collect more lessons on the way. Here are some of our biggest adult fears … and how we can overcome:
1. Money 💰
You would be lying (or maybe born into immense wealth) if you said you never worried about money. The first thing we realize as we’re getting older is how expensive everything is. These bills hit different when you’re the one paying them. When I moved out of my parents’ house, the cost of things hit me hard. You mean to tell me I have to pay these bills, every month…for the rest of my life? Damn. adulting is a scam.
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Regardless of how much or how little money you make you worry about your income – whether it will be enough, how to increase it and how to make it stretch. But it was revolutionary for me to read this in Jen Sincero’s “You are a Badass”: that there is enough money in the world to go around. If we take a quick look at the world today it doesn’t seem like it, but it’s true.
Everyone thinks their business idea needs to be original because they want to do “something different”, meanwhile look at how many clothing brands exist and how they all are making immense fortunes. That alone should be an indication to you that there is enough money in this world to sustain your dreams. And you don’t need to start a business to get there. I know a lot of us believe that entrepreneurship is the only way to access real wealth, or to make money comfortable and that’s a myth.
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If we expand our money mindset we would realize that whatever avenue we want to take (and by this I mean, whether we want to work for ourselves or wok with and possibly for other folks), there will be enough money in that industry for you to live comfortably. Everyone doesn’t have to be an entrepreneur. I read a tweet recently that encouraged folks to shift companies every 4 years or so. The rationale behind this is after 3 or so years you would’ve earned enough expertise to be paid at a higher level and to possibly move laterally and vertically up the ranks in your career.
I am from a big family and there was a massive influence to save. So, that’s what I used as my base when I got my first real job after University. At the time I was making less than USD$500 a month (that may be a lot or a little to you depending on your experiences, but this was quite a bit less than the industry average at the time). I came to realize that I could afford the bare minimum (luckily I was still living at home), and maybe a drink every now and then, but I wasn’t really able to save. This messed with the very strict savings model I had in my head. But it wasn’t until much later on while living with my partner that I realized that money is a tool. Like any other tool, you have to use it for it to be useful.
If we shift from a mindset of a lack, to a mindset of abundance, we will be unstoppable. This is not to say that you will automatically be rich beyond belief and never have to worry about paying bills again. It means that you get to have the power of money and money doesn’t have power over you.
2. Your health 🏥
I finally get why my father was so terrified of going to the doctor now. My partner and I joke that going to the doctor (and the dentist) is like going to a mechanic – they always find something wrong. But after years of working in social justice and advocacy within the healthcare sector I realize that knowing is always better than not knowing.
Knowing allows you more options (yes, it might also highlight realities like advanced disease, the exorbitant costs of treatment and just the sadness that comes with ill health), but not knowing allows you much fewer options and can only exacerbate all the fears of knowing outlined above (and even those we didn’t mention). Your health is your wealth.
If you were asked if your health or money is more important, what would you say? Ignore the fact that I literally just said “health is wealth” just now. In this moment in your life, what would your response be?
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In “Die with Zero” by Bill Perkins, he talks about looking at the full picture. Not only looking at how much money you make but also looking at using your life fully. He mentions using money to have experiences while you can, because we know that there will come a time that we can’t enjoy certain experiences like we want to. Doing something at 30 might be more beneficial (and enjoyable) than 50, and doing something at 50 is generally better than waiting until 80. Good health will allow us to enjoy life a bit more for a bit longer but we should also be mindful to live as much as we can when we can.
Making a budget for experiences shouldn’t only include money, it should also take into account the value of the experience you will have. You will only be this young and this healthy for so long, so take advantage of it. When we’re younger we take our health for granted, but as those knee pains set in you realize you can’t take it for granted.
You should also be open to fairly regular check-ups and check-ins with your doctor, so you’re aware of any health issues that you need to mindful of. Remember knowing is better then not knowing! (Again, these are my thoughts take this all with a grain of salt and do what’s best for you.)
3. Decision-making 🤔
Can you imagine that we signed up for this? We have to make our own decisions for the rest of our lives (well, for most of them anyway)…and that can be frightening sometimes. You don’t want to make mistakes or do the wrong thing or perhaps end up with some adverse consequences because of a poor decision. But that’s the game. Half the time we are just feeling around in the darkness.
If we can be really honest with ourselves, we generally don’t really know what we’re doing. Every step of adulting is a step of faith – trusting that we’ve made the right decision and done the right thing.
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This doesn’t mean that it will make your decisions any easier to make or that you will always make the right one – but, just know that you are not alone. I still second guess pretty much every decision I make (even a million years ago when my partner initially asked me to be his girlfriend I was a bit apprehensive, and honestly best decision I ever made), but I’ve been telling myself recently that regardless of the outcome of the decision you have to lean into your choice. Yes, I did this and it turned out great – perfect! That’s one for the books. Even when you made a decision and it didn’t turn out right (in your vision as you’re looking at the moment right now), it’s still one for the books. It’s another lesson.
We can only grow from our mistakes, our failures and our mishaps. These are all just lessons and lessons only help to strengthen our decision-making ability
4. Loneliness ❤️
I think somewhere at the back of our minds we think about stepping into our senior years alone. Women especially might think about this a bit more than men, because yuh know – society. Regardless of how evolved we’ve become there is still the heteronormative and generally sexist school of thought that a woman’s worth increases when she is married (and not to mention those kids).
There is a lot of pressure to be coupled too, just more generally. We want to find that certain someone we want to spend our lives with and if it doesn’t happen by a certain age (whatever age you’ve told yourself, or the age society told you) then we get worried about that. As we are on this quest to find “the one” or maybe you’e already found your person – we need to also remember that intimate relationships are not the only kinds of connections we need to have. As you look back on your life, you can recall those moments that you only got out of because of that one friend. There are probably situations that you can look back on and it probably would’ve been easier with a friend.
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As we are on this journey of life, wherever it takes you it you need to have a tribe. Finding the people that light you up and push you to new heights. We also need to be mindful that intimate and platonic relationships sometimes (read:usually) have an expiration date. Some folks will come along for the ride but will not make it to the end. Everyone is in our life for a reason, and some are just along for that season.
If you feel like you’re outgrowing your friends then it doesn’t necessarily mean that this is a bad thing, maybe their season in this leg of your journey is up. be mindful of the connections that you will find necessary as you go through life and then build those connections that will move you through this phase and into the next.
It is also helpful for us to keep in mind that being alone doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re lonely. Finding joy in your own company is a gift, and as much as you enjoy someone else’s company you should also enjoy your own. Take yourself on a date and do fun things just for you, even if you have a partner and even with all the friends you have – you should take the time to focus on you.
5. Not fulfilling your dreams 🗻
Well this is the kicker isn”t it? Nobody wants to feel like they “wasted their life”. Now, I am using this term very loosely because we sometimes say this to ourselves without even thinking about the gravity of our words. But let’s package that a bit better: nobody wants to leave anything unfinished. You know how much potential you have and you know how much you want to do, but sometimes connecting where we are right now with where we want to be is difficult.
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Everyday above ground is a day to work towards our dreams, and that journey looks different for everyone. My mother always says this and it annoys me so much but it’s true: Rome wasn’t built in a day. We’ve also probably all heard the phrase – anything good takes time. So things may move more quickly for other folks than it will for you, and that’s okay. This doesn’t mean that your life isn’t aligning as it should.
In one of my favourite tv shoes of all time – The Office – Daryl spoke about his “pre-abs” stage of working out, where the abs are still under fat and it’s going to take some time for them to show up. I promise it was funnier when I watched it (if you saw the episode you would remember how funny it was). Everything takes time. This world that we’re living in now though, shifts our expectations and we think that everything needs so happen quickly. Ideas evolve and so do you, so don’t beat up on yourself if things don’t go according to your timeline or detailed plan.
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The most you can do is take it a day at a time. Use these resources to help you map out a plan a plan towards achieving those dreams. A realistic and flexible plan that will take into account bumps and potholes along the way. There’s also this cheat sheet to help guide you to a place you’ve never been but have always wanted to go.
May we never forget to dream, to live and that we can choose what to do with our limitless potential. You are your best thing.
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Always remember you are not alone, we are all in this together.