Are my coworkers supposed to be my friends?

When I had my first, real, big girl job I wasn’t sure what the dynamics of a workplace was supposed to look like. Were we all supposed to be best friends? That’s what happened in all the movies, right?

My first actual, full-time, grownup job was as a Production Assistant (later promoted to Junior Sports Reporter, and then Sports Reporter 📈) at a sports radio station. Yeah, I didn’t peg myself as the type to be a Sports Reporter either, but we’re never sure where life will lead us. So, here I am at this sports radio station fresh out of University and I’m the only woman in the Sports department.

So you know what that means: a lot of trying to prove myself because I am the only woman (and while I was decent at editing, producing and writing news stories, my sports knowledge was pretty basic – so I didn’t want to be the ONLY woman on the team and ALSO seem incompetent). There was also a lot of attempts at flirting, and just generally hitting on me at almost every turn. I had to draw some very hard lines and after a few declined lunch and dinner dates, a botched attempt to kiss me (honestly, just remembering this makes my skin crawl), and my colleagues realizing I was actually good at my job – the tide turned.

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The sports department was pretty small so it was almost inevitable that we would form some kind of friendships – especially when you’re working early mornings, late nights and weekends with the same people. I still chat with a few of my colleagues from the radio station today and I’d go as far as to say they’re some of my close friends. Sometimes, when you meet someone is very critical. Meeting these folks at the start of my career helped to teach me some valuable lessons and they became a critical part of my growth as a media professional (and my overall personal development).

But, do our coworkers need to be our friends?

Working with someone you like is always going to make your work life easier. Everything just flows more seamlessly. Pretty much all employment data shows that employees don’t generally leave a company “just because”, they leave because of poor management/ supervision. More often than not, they don’t feel valued; they don’t feel included in the team or there is a lack of cohesion in the team.

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With all this said, it would be better if your coworkers were your friends, but they don’t have to be. You may have a “work husband”, a “work wife” or a “work bestie”. In your subconscious you’ve already separated this person from other areas of your life. This isn’t to say that you don’t share a few personal stories at work, but you probably haven’t invited them out with your “other friends”. Now this is totally fine, forming these work friendships are important for us to be able to function well at work and even outside of work.

Our work friends:

• help us to analyze issues before we respond (by providing a space to vent before we tell our supervisors what we really think)
• help us to find our footing in the workplace (they can act as a mentor if they’ve been at the company longer than you have or can be a “newbie buddy” if you both started around the same time)
• help us keep our stresses from the other aspects of our lives from affecting our work (by acting as a buffer in between our work life and our life outside of work)
• help us find light moments throughout tough work days (maybe you’re on a team chat or text message sharing memes or videos)
• help us to gain confidence as we continue on this personal development journey (in an ideal situation, you can bounce some ideas off your work friend and they can give you the boost you need to take them to your supervisor)

You may feel guilty (or not) about your “work friends” not crossing over into your “real life friends”, but that doesn’t make them any less valuable. You may also opt to open them up to your world outside of work. It’s always a good idea though, to use some discretion here because introducing your work friends to your unfiltered “real life” might sully the work friendship just a little bit – and allow for more work to crossover into your out of office time and for more personal things to escape during work hours. I usually opt to make the “work friend” transition after I have left that job and it’s worked fine for me so far. I also know folks who made the transition while still working in the job and it’s worked well for them and didn’t affect them personally or at work.

So you don’t have to make the transition. The choice is yours.

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I just came here to work

Not everyone wants to make work friends. There are pros (I listed a few above), and there will always be a few cons – especially if you’re “in too deep”. Your decision to make work friends or not is dependent on many things. Sometimes when you’re new to a company, you want to “feel people out” first before deciding who might make a good work friend; or you may just be on a very specific career track right now and are not very interested in any “distractions”. Whatever the reason, there’s a way you can finesse your way through the office without necessarily (or deliberately) making any work friends. Here’s the blueprint:

1. Be polite: say good morning
2. Make some small talk at different points during the day : I hate small talk, but it makes you look like a team player if you ask folks about their weekend, what they’re planning to have for lunch and if they have any evening plans (no need to ask everyday)
3. Give a compliment : sprinkle compliments here and there, everyone likes to be told that they’re doing well at something or that their outfit looks good today
4. Be a team player: this doesn’t mean you say yes to everything, but be willing to share the load. This may mean that you occasionally do a task you’d prefer not to but that one deed can give you a lot of mileage with your coworkers and supervisors
5. Attend at least one “work thing”: you know what I mean, those after work drinks that aren’t really mandatory but you get invited to occasionally (and maybe you’ve been saying no every week). Go to at least one and connect with your coworkers outside of the office space

Now, you don’t have to go as far as taking anyone’s number and texting outside of work hours (that’s more work friend territory), but these activities will allow your team to see you as an approachable team player – a pleasant work colleague.

Happy working!